How to cover the past week? When nothing much is happening, it becomes difficult to write.
The steri-strips (holding me together instead of stitches, if you recall) came off last Monday. Incisions healing okay, just a bit red, mostly. There was some localized swelling most of the week, on and off, but nothing serious. Got some stretching exercises from Dr T, and for the most part, I seem to have a fairly normal range of movement in my right arm again.
It's funny, one of the stretches has you facing a wall, standing just a step back, and, with your hands together, stretched above your head, you lean into the wall. The goal is to have your armpits touch the wall. Think about that for a second. For me, at least, there is a slight obstacle to that part of me meeting up with a wall from that position. Two of them, in fact. As it should be. As it would be with anyone in my condition, now. Even if I'd had a mastectomy, they generally insert skin expanders, if you are going to be rebuilt, which most women are. Made me wonder just how long ago the article was written.
Now, if I do a similar stretch, with just the affected arm, from the side, there's a good chance my armpit can touch the wall. In fact, that stretch seems to be quite beneficial. People are funny.
Showering is still a bit tiring/challenging, what with me stubbornly insisting on doing all the usual stuff I generally did with my right hand, with my right hand, still. I personally think it's good for me, pushing my body to get back to normal. As long as I don't overdo. For instance, perhaps I should have a bit of a stretch, first thing, before I try reaching well above my head to grab something off a high shelf. Just saying.
I did get through almost the whole week last week, working half-days. I took Thursday off, as I had three appointments that day: a Dr appt for Twin1, followed closely by my dentist appt, and then later, in the afternoon, a followup surgical appt with Dr T.
Can't remember the last time I went in for a dental checkup and cleaning and was told just to come back in six months. That was nice. Also nice, about going in to the dentist, was hearing all the wonderful things they had to say about my boy. He'd been visiting their office over the course of several months, getting his teeth all fixed up, in preparation for his mission, so the whole office had been getting to know him. They were all so complimentary and sweet about him! The very sort of interaction one wants, when one meets up with adults who have met ones' children.
The followup visit was fine. Basically just looked at how the incisions were healing, went over the pathology, and had her nurse set up appointments for me with an oncologist and radiology. She didn't say as much, but I got the impression someone should have already gotten me in with an oncologist before the surgery. Which, in truth, I had wondered about, but hadn't asked. Don't know why, exactly. Just hadn't pursued the problem.
Will see the oncologist Tuesday afternoon. From what I've heard, the man is good, but none of them seem to like him much. "Smug" was one word I heard used to describe him. I've decided to give him a chance, at least meet him. But I don't generally like doctors who think they know everything. I like a more humble approach.
So, chemotherapy appears to be what's next. I guess I'm ready.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
practically normal
Woke up Monday morning feeling basically normal, but not wanting to behave as though I am.
Sure, I'm still a little stiff on the right, also numb in places (though mostly when it's swollen, which is almost all the time right now), and I'm not allowed to do any heavy lifting still, but, awake, alert, refreshed, and pretty much normal.
I convinced myself I could work half-days this week. No actual commitment intended (my office isn't asking me, either - they don't want me to push myself or come in if I'm not feeling totally ready to work), just an idea that I would try to put in 4 hrs of actual work at the office each day.
So far, that's worked out.
So far, I feel pretty good at the end of the day.
But the week isn't half over yet, so, we'll see.
Sure, I'm still a little stiff on the right, also numb in places (though mostly when it's swollen, which is almost all the time right now), and I'm not allowed to do any heavy lifting still, but, awake, alert, refreshed, and pretty much normal.
I convinced myself I could work half-days this week. No actual commitment intended (my office isn't asking me, either - they don't want me to push myself or come in if I'm not feeling totally ready to work), just an idea that I would try to put in 4 hrs of actual work at the office each day.
So far, that's worked out.
So far, I feel pretty good at the end of the day.
But the week isn't half over yet, so, we'll see.
Friday, January 20, 2012
knew it was coming
Well, it's happened. I've had enough of being at moms.
It's this HUGE house, actually larger now than it was when I was growing up here, and it's still not big enough. I can't be alone here, there isn't anywhere I can go to get away from my family, the two dogs, and my sisters elderly cat. I get that they like animals, enjoy their pets.
I, personally, am not a pet person.
Call me crazy, but I like being able to leave a package of double stuff Oreos (or triple double) sitting on the table by the couch, and have it still be there the next day. I left a closed can of honey roasted almonds on a table in the family room a couple days ago. Closed, mind you, lid tightly on, as it should be. One of two dogs in the house took a liking to it, and one of them, possibly the same one, found it later, in the back yard, open, with maybe all of a dozen almonds left in the can. How do people live like this? All the time?
(Right now, in the room above me, my mother, sister, and aunt are still discussing whether I am allowed to be upset, to be angry and yelling. And I can hear them. My kids can't figure out why I always think they should be able to hear me, at home, when I call to them from upstairs. I think if one of them were down here right now, they'd get it. Our house is about 1/4 the size of this one, and you'd think sound would carry through the vents and floors/ceilings there, just like it does here, but they're right, at home, I can't hear everything like I can here. Most of it, yes. But whole conversations? Not entirely.)
It wasn't the pet thing that did it. Not even close. When I'm my usual self, when I've had enough sleep (which I haven't - we're getting to that), I can actually be very pleasant. (If you're reading this, and thinking, "no, honey, I know you, and, you're not"? Keep that to yourself for just a minute, okay?) But everyone has their limits.
The last two nights, I haven't been able to sleep. I'm tired, definitely, but when I get into bed, I just can't seem to settle down. It's too warm with the coverlet, but just the sheet isn't quite enough. Also, I'm a side-sleeper, generally the right side, which, for obvious reasons, isn't possible right now. Left side almost works, but if I'm turned too far that way, something in the chemo port workings feels like it's jabbing me in the neck. Plus, my legs don't seem to agree with the rest of me that it's time to sleep.
Anyway, last night, I'm extra tired, probably from going to work for the first time since the surgery, and I head for bed around 10pm, which for me, having not gotten up earlier than around 9am all week, is a little early. But by midnight, I'm still awake, can't seem to get sleepy at all. And neither of the Twins has come down, so I'm alone, and I'm restless, and I can't seem to get comfortable. Not good. I NEED to sleep. (Did you know that our bodies only heal (or grow) when we sleep?) If anyone needs sleep, it's me, right now.
It's too warm, I decide, and I go to open the window, but the screen is out, so I only open it a little. Doesn't help. I usually keep my room cooler than average (one of the reasons I like a basement bedroom), but the heat hasn't gotten to me until the last two nights. I have no idea what time it was when I finally fell asleep. I'm sure I didn't sleep long enough or deeply enough, because I'm tired when I wake up.
What woke me? Oh, I remember. A text from that someone. That someone who isn't really even my friend right now, because it's too difficult for me to only be his friend. But, in any case, that's what woke me. And I was still tired, so I tried to go back to sleep, without success.
All day, I'm tired. When mom gets home from work, I'm in that "I just want to be alone" sort of mood, and the next thing I know, I'm yelling, complaining, fighting with my sister, yelling at mom, and packing up all my stuff. Somewhere in there, my Twins, who are not what you'd call close, get into it, too. Mom tried to make peace, but I'm not sure it worked.
By the time I'm done packing, I'm tired, again. And I feel terrible, emotionally drained. Even so, I can't sleep. Still.
I am not cut out for this resting and dependent business. Maybe I'll go take a walk.
It's this HUGE house, actually larger now than it was when I was growing up here, and it's still not big enough. I can't be alone here, there isn't anywhere I can go to get away from my family, the two dogs, and my sisters elderly cat. I get that they like animals, enjoy their pets.
I, personally, am not a pet person.
Call me crazy, but I like being able to leave a package of double stuff Oreos (or triple double) sitting on the table by the couch, and have it still be there the next day. I left a closed can of honey roasted almonds on a table in the family room a couple days ago. Closed, mind you, lid tightly on, as it should be. One of two dogs in the house took a liking to it, and one of them, possibly the same one, found it later, in the back yard, open, with maybe all of a dozen almonds left in the can. How do people live like this? All the time?
(Right now, in the room above me, my mother, sister, and aunt are still discussing whether I am allowed to be upset, to be angry and yelling. And I can hear them. My kids can't figure out why I always think they should be able to hear me, at home, when I call to them from upstairs. I think if one of them were down here right now, they'd get it. Our house is about 1/4 the size of this one, and you'd think sound would carry through the vents and floors/ceilings there, just like it does here, but they're right, at home, I can't hear everything like I can here. Most of it, yes. But whole conversations? Not entirely.)
It wasn't the pet thing that did it. Not even close. When I'm my usual self, when I've had enough sleep (which I haven't - we're getting to that), I can actually be very pleasant. (If you're reading this, and thinking, "no, honey, I know you, and, you're not"? Keep that to yourself for just a minute, okay?) But everyone has their limits.
The last two nights, I haven't been able to sleep. I'm tired, definitely, but when I get into bed, I just can't seem to settle down. It's too warm with the coverlet, but just the sheet isn't quite enough. Also, I'm a side-sleeper, generally the right side, which, for obvious reasons, isn't possible right now. Left side almost works, but if I'm turned too far that way, something in the chemo port workings feels like it's jabbing me in the neck. Plus, my legs don't seem to agree with the rest of me that it's time to sleep.
Anyway, last night, I'm extra tired, probably from going to work for the first time since the surgery, and I head for bed around 10pm, which for me, having not gotten up earlier than around 9am all week, is a little early. But by midnight, I'm still awake, can't seem to get sleepy at all. And neither of the Twins has come down, so I'm alone, and I'm restless, and I can't seem to get comfortable. Not good. I NEED to sleep. (Did you know that our bodies only heal (or grow) when we sleep?) If anyone needs sleep, it's me, right now.
It's too warm, I decide, and I go to open the window, but the screen is out, so I only open it a little. Doesn't help. I usually keep my room cooler than average (one of the reasons I like a basement bedroom), but the heat hasn't gotten to me until the last two nights. I have no idea what time it was when I finally fell asleep. I'm sure I didn't sleep long enough or deeply enough, because I'm tired when I wake up.
What woke me? Oh, I remember. A text from that someone. That someone who isn't really even my friend right now, because it's too difficult for me to only be his friend. But, in any case, that's what woke me. And I was still tired, so I tried to go back to sleep, without success.
All day, I'm tired. When mom gets home from work, I'm in that "I just want to be alone" sort of mood, and the next thing I know, I'm yelling, complaining, fighting with my sister, yelling at mom, and packing up all my stuff. Somewhere in there, my Twins, who are not what you'd call close, get into it, too. Mom tried to make peace, but I'm not sure it worked.
By the time I'm done packing, I'm tired, again. And I feel terrible, emotionally drained. Even so, I can't sleep. Still.
I am not cut out for this resting and dependent business. Maybe I'll go take a walk.
pathology results
Got the final pathology results from the lumpectomy yesterday. The margins and lymph nodes are clear, no cancer.
This means, basically, they got it in time, it hadn't spread to anywhere else.
I will still have radiation and chemo, because of the grade of cancer. How long, and what kind of chemo, I still don't know.
I have an appointment with Dr T on Thursday, and I should learn all sorts of things then.
This means, basically, they got it in time, it hadn't spread to anywhere else.
I will still have radiation and chemo, because of the grade of cancer. How long, and what kind of chemo, I still don't know.
I have an appointment with Dr T on Thursday, and I should learn all sorts of things then.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
showers and other awesome things
Can I just say? Showers are awesome!
I have to keep reminding myself to use my left hand for things like turning the water on and off, and picking up full bottles of liquid soap, and there are places I can't quite reach, I'm sure, but I still say, showers are freakin' awesome!
Just as awesome: dressing myself. I know it was only for a few days, but it was difficult for me, having my mom and others help me to dress, and to wash. (Yes, I did bathe, in a very shallow bath, avoiding my chest and all the bandages. I figured no bathing applied mainly to the area they messed with, which was all above my ribcage, and sometimes, you just need a bath.) So I was thrilled to be showering and dressing all on my own. I even fastened my own bra, in the usual way, behind my back.
Later, I figured out how to put my coat on without assistance (gimpy arm first). Pretty proud of myself for that one.
Still having some swelling, on the right side. The nurse told me to wrap the area in an ace bandage, and use ice. So we wrapped me up, and then mom pulled out her Halloween t-shirt, a snug fitting, long sleeved shirt, made to look like allover tattoos, neck to wrists. This was to help compress my upper arm. Kind of awesome. And it helped. Much more comfortable tonight.
Not so awesome: still numb in the underarm area. Really hoping this isn't permanent nerve damage. It didn't show up until the day after surgery, if I remember correctly, so I'm guessing this is more due to the swelling than anything that might have happened during surgery. However, nerves are tiny, and hard to avoid when cutting stuff, surgically speaking, so, it's possible the numbness could continue. I'm just really hoping that's not the case. It's annoying, knowing I'm touching my skin, but not feeling that sensation on the skin itself.
Nothing I can do about it, so, I should stop thinking about it. Possibly. Nerves take forever to grow back, so, it is what it is.
Overall, though, things are looking up!
I have to keep reminding myself to use my left hand for things like turning the water on and off, and picking up full bottles of liquid soap, and there are places I can't quite reach, I'm sure, but I still say, showers are freakin' awesome!
Just as awesome: dressing myself. I know it was only for a few days, but it was difficult for me, having my mom and others help me to dress, and to wash. (Yes, I did bathe, in a very shallow bath, avoiding my chest and all the bandages. I figured no bathing applied mainly to the area they messed with, which was all above my ribcage, and sometimes, you just need a bath.) So I was thrilled to be showering and dressing all on my own. I even fastened my own bra, in the usual way, behind my back.
Later, I figured out how to put my coat on without assistance (gimpy arm first). Pretty proud of myself for that one.
Still having some swelling, on the right side. The nurse told me to wrap the area in an ace bandage, and use ice. So we wrapped me up, and then mom pulled out her Halloween t-shirt, a snug fitting, long sleeved shirt, made to look like allover tattoos, neck to wrists. This was to help compress my upper arm. Kind of awesome. And it helped. Much more comfortable tonight.
Not so awesome: still numb in the underarm area. Really hoping this isn't permanent nerve damage. It didn't show up until the day after surgery, if I remember correctly, so I'm guessing this is more due to the swelling than anything that might have happened during surgery. However, nerves are tiny, and hard to avoid when cutting stuff, surgically speaking, so, it's possible the numbness could continue. I'm just really hoping that's not the case. It's annoying, knowing I'm touching my skin, but not feeling that sensation on the skin itself.
Nothing I can do about it, so, I should stop thinking about it. Possibly. Nerves take forever to grow back, so, it is what it is.
Overall, though, things are looking up!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
bandages off
I just removed the gauze bandages. It was oddly unsettling. I actually feel a bit ill.
I can shower now, but I'm going to wait a bit, until I feel a little more myself.
Maybe I'll watch a little Drop Dead Diva to cheer me up first. Love that show! It's so upbeat and positive, and I need that right now.
(The steri-strips stay on for about another week. Those are there instead of stitches, holding the incisions together. So I still look a little "Frankenstein" in parts.)
I can shower now, but I'm going to wait a bit, until I feel a little more myself.
Maybe I'll watch a little Drop Dead Diva to cheer me up first. Love that show! It's so upbeat and positive, and I need that right now.
(The steri-strips stay on for about another week. Those are there instead of stitches, holding the incisions together. So I still look a little "Frankenstein" in parts.)
BRCA results
The results are back on the genetic test.
NEGATIVE
I do not have the "cancer gene".
Basically, this means that my cancer was/is random, and I have no more chance of getting any further cancer, of any kind, than anyone else.
Pathology results (test results on the tumor, the lymph nodes, the margins on the tumor (which should be healthy, if the tumor was contained)) are still pending. I should know soon.
NEGATIVE
I do not have the "cancer gene".
Basically, this means that my cancer was/is random, and I have no more chance of getting any further cancer, of any kind, than anyone else.
Pathology results (test results on the tumor, the lymph nodes, the margins on the tumor (which should be healthy, if the tumor was contained)) are still pending. I should know soon.
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