knew it was coming

Well, it's happened. I've had enough of being at moms.

It's this HUGE house, actually larger now than it was when I was growing up here, and it's still not big enough. I can't be alone here, there isn't anywhere I can go to get away from my family, the two dogs, and my sisters elderly cat. I get that they like animals, enjoy their pets.
I, personally, am not a pet person.

Call me crazy, but I like being able to leave a package of double stuff Oreos (or triple double) sitting on the table by the couch, and have it still be there the next day. I left a closed can of honey roasted almonds on a table in the family room a couple days ago. Closed, mind you, lid tightly on, as it should be. One of two dogs in the house took a liking to it, and one of them, possibly the same one, found it later, in the back yard, open, with maybe all of a dozen almonds left in the can. How do people live like this? All the time?

(Right now, in the room above me, my mother, sister, and aunt are still discussing whether I am allowed to be upset, to be angry and yelling. And I can hear them. My kids can't figure out why I always think they should be able to hear me, at home, when I call to them from upstairs. I think if one of them were down here right now, they'd get it. Our house is about 1/4 the size of this one, and you'd think sound would carry through the vents and floors/ceilings there, just like it does here, but they're right, at home, I can't hear everything like I can here. Most of it, yes. But whole conversations? Not entirely.)

It wasn't the pet thing that did it. Not even close. When I'm my usual self, when I've had enough sleep (which I haven't - we're getting to that), I can actually be very pleasant. (If you're reading this, and thinking, "no, honey, I know you, and, you're not"? Keep that to yourself for just a minute, okay?) But everyone has their limits.

The last two nights, I haven't been able to sleep. I'm tired, definitely, but when I get into bed, I just can't seem to settle down. It's too warm with the coverlet, but just the sheet isn't quite enough. Also, I'm a side-sleeper, generally the right side, which, for obvious reasons, isn't possible right now. Left side almost works, but if I'm turned too far that way, something in the chemo port workings feels like it's jabbing me in the neck. Plus, my legs don't seem to agree with the rest of me that it's time to sleep.
Anyway, last night, I'm extra tired, probably from going to work for the first time since the surgery, and I head for bed around 10pm, which for me, having not gotten up earlier than around 9am all week, is a little early. But by midnight, I'm still awake, can't seem to get sleepy at all. And neither of the Twins has come down, so I'm alone, and I'm restless, and I can't seem to get comfortable. Not good. I NEED to sleep. (Did you know that our bodies only heal (or grow) when we sleep?) If anyone needs sleep, it's me, right now.

It's too warm, I decide, and I go to open the window, but the screen is out, so I only open it a little. Doesn't help. I usually keep my room cooler than average (one of the reasons I like a basement bedroom), but the heat hasn't gotten to me until the last two nights. I have no idea what time it was when I finally fell asleep. I'm sure I didn't sleep long enough or deeply enough, because I'm tired when I wake up.
What woke me? Oh, I remember. A text from that someone. That someone who isn't really even my friend right now, because it's too difficult for me to only be his friend. But, in any case, that's what woke me. And I was still tired, so I tried to go back to sleep, without success.

All day, I'm tired. When mom gets home from work, I'm in that "I just want to be alone" sort of mood, and the next thing I know, I'm yelling, complaining, fighting with my sister, yelling at mom, and packing up all my stuff. Somewhere in there, my Twins, who are not what you'd call close, get into it, too. Mom tried to make peace, but I'm not sure it worked.

By the time I'm done packing, I'm tired, again. And I feel terrible, emotionally drained. Even so, I can't sleep. Still.

I am not cut out for this resting and dependent business. Maybe I'll go take a walk.