2nd day

I'm tired and restless, both. How should one cope with that? I find myself wishing for a stationary recumbent bike, so I can lay back and rest while I let my legs go for a spin.

No nausea as such, which I'm grateful for. Had a touch of it yesterday, in the morning, so I took the meds for that, which landed me with a whopping headache I couldn't shake. I'm not much of a headache person in general, and when I do get one, I generally only need one regular Tylenol, and I'm all set. Took two extra strength, and still had to walk around with the headache all day. Low level, but so annoying.

Today, I expected to be tired, run down. And I am, a bit. But I still needed to get out. I woke up around 8am, but didn't try to do much for a couple hours. Showered around noon, which felt fantastic, and then went out for a walk. I wasn't out more than five minutes before I realized I was starving (I'd been munching all morning, but hadn't tried for a proper meal as such), and hadn't brought my wallet with me. I live in a neighborhood bordering on several shopping and eating areas, as well as a path by the river, so there is everything I need within walking distance. I just forgot I might want some money with me. I call home, and arrange to meet my boy at Sonic. Next time, I tell myself, I'll remember. I'd have gone back home to eat, except, once I'd thought of Sonic, that's what I wanted. I had some cookies in my bag, but now I could think of nothing else but popcorn chicken and a blue coconut cream slush. It took him forever to get there.

I was hoping the walk might also get my bowels moving, but no. Most people have the opposite condition after chemo. Me, I get constipated when I travel sometimes, or when I'm preparing to have a bunch of people over, so I should have known this would be my lot. I usually just need a couple of fiber tablets and I'm back to normal. Still hoping it'll kick in, but it's been hours. Not a fan of being backed up. Hard to relax or nap in that condition. And I always find myself wondering just how much a person can eat and still not be able to vacate, as it were. How can I continue to get hungry if I can't empty out? And yet, I do.

Another, more interesting side effect of all this, is how very much I appreciate all the little daily mundane beautiful things. Like sunshine in February, the sound of the river, or the scent of the wood chips at the playground. Everything is wonderful and painful and lovely and precious. And family is so much more important, so much bigger, than anything else. And I find myself thinking, every day, all the time, how does anyone live without faith?