thinking about strength

I've been thinking lately about one of the qualities that I've been told, over and over, I have in abundance.

I think, in part, because I'm a single mom, people assume I must be really strong. Spiritually, mentally, maybe even physically. And I've always been of the opinion that, no, I'm not. Not any more than anyone else, anyway.
I mean, yes, I did, in a lot of ways, take the part of both parents in raising my boys. But in so many ways, I didn't. The things that I did, most of them, in my mind, fall under the category of "survival", which translates for me as something you just do, like it or not. Not doing them wasn't an option. Everyone needs a roof over their heads, money to maintain that and to pay for other basic needs like food and clothing, and so I went to work. What's so remarkable about that?

And then this happens. Breast Cancer.

And again, for me, it's a matter of doing what needs doing. It's not about whether or not I think I can handle it. Is there really a choice? Would any of you, having found a lump in your breast (or other cancerous growth, anywhere), just put it out of your head? Tried to forget about it? Tried to pretend it wasn't there?
Because otherwise, what else do you do? You have it looked at. And you take the advice of the medical professionals that attend you.

That's all I'm doing, really. Following the advice of those who know what to do.

I've often wondered, over the course of my young life, why it is that I am able to handle so much, what it is that Heavenly Father was expecting of me, beyond what I was doing at the moment, that I would need such an abundance of strength? Because, in some ways, I accept that I am one of the "strong ones". (I also believe we are all strong, in different ways.) I didn't like to think about what challenge might come my way that I would need to draw on my inner strength and courage to survive, or even thrive, while dealing with whatever it was.

While this particular event in my life may not be the biggest challenge I ever face, this is clearly one of those things that I needed that strength for. I guess I can accept that. I can see that what I've had to build up, over time, through faith and perseverance, is now serving me well. But that doesn't mean I don't wish, from time to time, that this was not happening. Because I do wish that. Or, at least, I wish it was already over. Sometimes.

With adversity comes blessings. Always. And I want those blessings. I really do.

My oldest boy has just been ordained as a Melchizedek Priesthood holder in the LDS church. This means that he is able to give Priesthood blessings. Blessings to heal the sick, to bring comfort and peace to those facing challenges. Last night, he was able to give me my "evening before chemo" blessing. This being his first experience, I wondered what advice to give him. He asked my dad what formal parts he needed to say, and I turned to say to him that he could, if he wanted, say a small prayer for himself that he would be able to know what Heavenly Father wanted to say to me through this blessing. But, as I started to open my mouth, I realized that this is my boy that has always been able to just let things flow through him. When he feels something, he just lets it happen, he doesn't fight it. I realized, if anyone could be a conduit for the Lord, to say what He wanted me to hear in a blessing, it was my boy. He was ready. So I said nothing.

It was a very sweet blessing. The words he said came directly from the Lord. I knew it in my heart and in my mind as I listened to my boy. Words of comfort and encouragement. And not just about my cancer and the peace and comfort we have all felt, myself, family, friends, as we've dealt with this challenge. Peace and comfort that have come through the gift of the Holy Ghost.
There was more, about my boys. Words of comfort to a mother that often wonders if she's done the right things, raising these two boys.
These were not the words of a 19-yr-old boy. These words came from a loving Heavenly Father. And I am so pleased that it was my boy that was able to speak them.

If I have strength, it is because the Lord has blessed me with it, and I have had enough faith to accept it and allow it to grow within me. For that, I am thankful.