1) I eat an OBSCENE amount of food. All the time.
Okay, quite possibly, it's just a normal amount of food, but, I don't remember when I last ate three actual meals per day. I usually grab something like toast or a granola bar for breakfast, then munch on pretzels or possibly some raw veggies at lunch, and then by the time I'm done with work, I'm too tired to eat a proper dinner. I grazed, but hardly ever sat down to a proper meal. And I rarely packed a lunch for work. This morning, I packed a baked potato (w/butter & sour cream), leftover tomato sausage soup, crackers & cheese, pretzels, and a lunchable in case I needed a snack. Which I did.
Obscene, I'm telling you.
2) For the moment, my hair is looking and feeling quite soft and lovely. I wash (conditioner only) my hair every day, which I tended not to do. I used to let it ride a couple days between washing. And no, I am not yet losing any of it - normal amounts of hair in the hair-catcher in the drain.
When my onco was talking to me about my hair, and when I could expect to lose it, and saying how it could come back different, I looked him straight in the eye and told him I would hold him personally responsible if it came back in straight. He said he guessed that was reasonable.
3) It takes me about 3 hours to get ready in the morning. I feel pretty good when I get up, but everything I do takes much longer than it used to. Plus, I have to stretch (to make sure my muscles on the right will still have their full range of motion and strength), and currently have had to clean and dress this small part of one incision that didn't close properly, and also massage some Miracel into the other incisions to help them heal invisibly/faster. Those things only take a few extra minutes, but somehow, it translates to way more time than that. And by the time I'm dressed and ready, I need to eat again (see #1 above).
4) I can't fall asleep at night. I go to bed, like usual, and read (currently reading The Number Devil - enjoying it immensely - thanks Matt!) until I'm dropping off, but then, once I've put away the book and glasses, and shifted the pillows, I'm not so much sleepy as I was, and I try to just drop off again, but it sometimes takes hours. I can now, sometimes, sleep on my right side, which helps, but I can't do it all the time. I can't seem to get totally comfortable. Random unrelated parts of me ache, or I can feel the port line sticking into my neck, or my right arm gets a little numb. Or, more often, I'm just too warm and I have to throw off the duvet, and then I'm cold, so I pull it back over me, and then I'm too warm, and it can go on for hours.
5) Random, small discomforts disrupt my day/night. Parts of me ache for no apparent reason (chemo, or Neulasta, probably), and it's hard to relax. I also seem to get a headache nearly every day. I used to get them about once a year.
6) I am congested, and my allergies are acting up, especially at night. Drives me crazy. It's already hard enough to get enough to drink in a day, and then I need more because my sinuses are behaving badly. Nice.
7) If you were to ask me, no, I'm not particularly concerned or worried about anything (yes, I realize, there is this huge obvious thing going on, but I think I'm dealing with it fairly well). Clearly, I'm stressed - my body says so. Either I'm more anxious than I think, or it's the chemo. Or both.
8) I crave (and by crave I mean to the point it seems more important than life itself) human touch. I always liked a good hug, yes, but now, it's like I'll waste away to nothing if I can't have several per day. And I could really really really use a good long snuggle. And a foot rub. Or maybe a head massage. Okay, all of the above. Volunteers?
9) I'm slowly regaining my usual energy level. I think I'm getting about 1 hr per day more before I'm totally exhausted. Next week I might be up to going dancing again, if I'm lucky. This weekend, I wonder if I might manage a girls night? Possibly.
10) Sometimes, after I eat, I can taste coffee. And I haven't eaten or drunk anything even remotely related to coffee.
11) I had a moment, on Sunday, when I just wanted it all to stop. All of it. I wanted the poisons out of my body NOW, I wanted the port removed, and I wanted to be done. (The surgery was totally successful, so why should I have to do this?) I was just so DONE with all of it. I got over it. Mostly. I DO want more than a 70% chance that I won't get cancer again. I DO want to live to be an old woman and see my boys have families of their own and all that good stuff. I'd just like to skip this bit and get back to normal.
12) I'm starting to wonder just exactly what normal will look like after this is all over. Or if I'll have to adjust to a new normal permanently.
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